Here's a wild idea for you: What if you don’t need to stop being a perfectionist? What if "how to stop being a perfectionist" isn't the most helpful question? Here's a better one: "How do I fully love and accept myself, perfectionist part included?" Right now, you may think that if you could just get rid of that perfectionist part, then you would feel better. (There's no shame in that; pretty much everything we do boils down to, "So I can feel better.") The thing is, you will only arrive at a felt sense of being all right when you...
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Whenever I run across one of those productivity-culture articles about how to master your time, gain control of your life, and develop a perfect 5-year plan to live on purpose, I always think about whether or not the author has "been through in it" yet. Have they ever had an unexpected disaster wreck their best-laid plans? Have they ever sat in silence, stunned by a betrayal? Have they ever mourned a devastating loss? If you have, then you know: It changes you. Maybe for you it was losing a loved one through death, divorce, or dementia. Maybe it was a...
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I used to have so much trouble spending money "just for me." It had nothing to do with how hard I worked, or how much I had in the bank. Back when I was an undergraduate at Vassar College, I worked three jobs, volunteered, and tithed hundreds of dollars to my church...yet I couldn't pull the trigger on a $15 gift for myself. Before I graduated, I wanted to buy a coffee mug from my favorite cafe, but I just couldn't do it. Spending money that way was too anxiety-producing. Why do I feel guilty spending money on myself? I...
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I had my first anxiety attack in the first grade, when the teacher returned my paper with See Me written in red ink instead of the usual Excellent. That perceived failure felt so devastating, I almost couldn’t breathe. What causes perfectionism in a child that young? What makes a six year old to get that stressed out? What's the root cause of perfectionism? The root cause of perfectionism is actually very simple: it's fear. Perfectionism arises because when we were small, we didn't feel protected or loved unconditionally. At some point early on, we learned to be afraid. At...
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What do you do when what you're working as hard as you can (on a business, a relationship, or a creative project), and you're still not getting the results you want? How do you know when to keep at it, and when to pull the plug? Today on Ask Caroline, I'm answering a question from a reader I'll call Melody, who is working 14 hour days, yet losing money in her new business. She's "tired of chasing a never-ending to-do list without clear results that it's worth it." What's Melody's next move? (And where am I pulling the plug in...
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Dear reader, Welcome to the first 2024 edition of Ask Caroline! I'm here to help you stop doing what you're supposed to do, and start doing what you're MEANT to do. In today's video I'm answering a letter from a woman I'll call Robin, who has come to a crossroads in her 50's and is struggling mightily with her career path. She's been through burnout and back, and now she needs to know: "How do I find out what to do next?" Right now Robin is wrestling with all kinds of job options, then deciding they are all bad ideas....
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Before I became a parent, I didn't understand that there are two types of children's books. There are children's books written for actual children, and there are children's books written for parents. When my first child was small and the pandemic closed our local library, I panic-bought kids' books online: I Love You More and More, I Give You The World, etc. Soon, I learned that such declarations of devotion are BORING to babies. Given a choice between I Love You, Little Pookie and The Fat Cat Sat on the Mat, the latter wins every time. The little ones already...
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The very first challenge in my book, You Don't Owe Anyone, is to do nothing for 15 minutes. To stop all effort and simply be still. It's hard, yes, but it's also the cure for much of what ails us. Doing nothing is a powerful antidote for the perfectionist poison we've been swallowing since childhood. (Plus, as Martha Beck has taught me, doing nothing is a profound act of resistance in a culture that expects us to live as machines, not human animals.) So nowadays when people decide to work with me in coaching, they know that I'm going to...
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One of the most dangerous parts of my psyche is my tendency to think that if I just work harder, then SURELY I can fix it. This part of me is vulnerable to the "hustle harder" hype, the movie montage fix. Can you relate? Do you get swept up in doing more, while refusing to make trade-offs? Do you try to save dysfunctional relationships, resisting goodbyes? Do you override your limits, and then wonder why you're exhausted? Do you repeatedly try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps? If so, I am with you. I get it. As I tell...
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After years of verbal and emotional abuse - after years of constant criticism and control - this was her secret truth: "I'm waiting for my husband to die so I can begin to live." That's what one brave reader wrote to me recently. It's an incredibly difficult truth, and it was brave of her to tell it. And with her permission, I'm quoting it here. Yet as I wrote to her, "If you're waiting for him to die so you can live, then you have no power. You've given it all away. So, what if you turned it around? What...
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