Imagine that you’re alone in your big, beautiful house. But before you go to bed, you hear a noise that sends fear up your spine. You check the downstairs side door, and the lock is broken.

As you realize this, someone clears their throat behind you. A group of people is already inside your house. It’s pure terror; you’re braced for a fight. But then, it gets weird. The intruders don’t want to beat you. They just need your house for the party.

What is covert abuse?

This is covert abuse in action. It’s not overt hostility; it’s much less obvious than that. Covert abuse typically shows up as a confusing blend of psychological abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and intimidation tactics.

Covert abuse leaves you wondering, Am I crazy, or is this way out of line? You doubt yourself and your reality, which is why you don’t push back.

“The party?” you say, dumbstruck.

Yes, the intruders say, impatient. They’re annoyed that you don’t understand. Of course they need your house for the party! Get out of the way! They have people arriving!

“But … this is my house,” you say. “And I don’t – ”

They cut you off. Of course, you are hosting this party. You’re not to argue, and you’re certainly not to call the police. If you do … well, they won’t be held responsible for what happens next.

One of them lets you see the knife he’s holding. Your eyes widen. Right then, the intruders become cheerful and convivial.

“Please enjoy the party!” they say. “Please, have a great time! Have a drink!”

This is another perfect example of covert abuse: that quick flash of the knife, an unspoken threat quickly juxtaposed with joviality. With covert abuse, there’s almost always an element of plausible deniability.

The abusers are actively working to control you, but they’re careful about it. They set things up so they could claim innocence: “What do you mean, I threatened you? Just because you saw a knife, that doesn’t make it a threat! It was an accident!”

The explanation sounds plausible, but deep down you know the truth: it was no accident.

After that subtle show of the knife, the intruders leave you to mingle. Someone hands you a drink, and the sharp edges of fear start to blur. You meet another woman who feels like a kindred spirit.

You catch glimpses of the intruders; every time you see them, they’re smiling. You are more confused by the moment.

These people have broken into your home and are holding you hostage, but it’s become harder to remember these facts. (That’s the goal of those crazy-making control tactics; the abusers want you destabilized and uncertain.)

By early morning, your “hosts” have passed out, and you realize: I could escape. But what if they catch you? What if they find you, and make good on their veiled threats?

Plus, part of you feels guilty at the prospect of reporting them. You’ve grown almost fond of them. You’ve developed a Stockholm Syndrome bond with your captors.

After all, they were so nice! They let you have drinks and come to their party! Surely they didn’t mean any harm! But a part of you knows the truth: they have already harmed you.

Still you’re frozen, undecided. Will you risk freedom, or will you stay trapped? That’s when you wake up.

–

That was a nightmare I had years ago. Can you relate to it?

Do you ever feel like your life doesn’t really belong to you – that you’re living someone else’s life? Do you ever feel afraid to tell the truth, or set boundaries?

Do you ever feel trapped by your circumstances, then intensely guilty when you try to change them?

If so – you’re not alone. When I wrote about the nightmare in an email for my list, many readers responded.

To quote one: “The party at your house is exactly how it feels in my life … Because you do start to feel that it’s not all that bad, and you can be a part of it, even though you didn’t want it! I still don’t know what to do with that…”

We’ll get to “what to do with that,” but first, know that if you relate to that nightmare I had, it’s not random. Rather, it’s an indication that at some point, you were trained out of your natural tendency to take care of yourself.

That’s what consistent covert abuse does: it teaches you to discount and de-legitimize your feelings and needs. It also primes you to caretake other adults.

In this video I recorded as part of the Live Your Truth Challenge, I share about how I wasted precious energy trying to caretake other people … while in labor! (Story starts at about the 4:45 minute mark.)

 

What are the 7 signs of emotional abuse?

If you’ve read my first book, You Don’t Owe Anyone, then you know that I had plenty of programming around putting everyone else’s needs first, and my own dead last. Cultic churches – like the one I grew up attending – are really good at that!

And, sadly, cults don’t have a corner on emotional abuse. Most of the coaching clients I see have endured emotional abuse, and often physical abuse as well. (Physical abuse typically doesn’t exist without psychological and emotional abuse built into the experience.)

But here’s what you might not know: emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

As I wrote in You Don’t Owe Anyone:

Many of us have minimized any abuse that isn’t physical; however, we now know that verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, if not more so.

A 2014 study released by the American Psychological Association concluded that “children who are emotionally abused and neglected face similar and sometimes worse mental health problems as children who are physically or sexually abused.”

And as therapist Pete Walker writes in his book The Tao of Fully Feeling, “The combination of verbal and emotional abuse is the most lethal weapon used in the destruction of children’s self-­esteem.”

Let’s go through 7 signs of emotional abuse that you might not catch at first glance. These include, but are not limited to…

–> Sign #1: Making threats to intimidate you into submission. 

A subtle threat is still a threat. You’ll know it was a threat based on your visceral, physical reaction.

That flash of the knife in my dream is a great example – sure, it’s theoretically possible that it was an accident, but given the context, I understood that it was done on purpose to intimidate me into silence.

Trust your body. If you feel scared, that’s all you need to know.

–> Sign #2: Pressuring you and acting as a “boundary buster.” (Bonus points for guilt-tripping.)

When I work with clients in coaching, they almost always have at least one person in their life who is a “boundary buster.” Whatever limits my client sets, this person will work hard to override them.

For example, let’s say you have decided that you don’t have the capacity to host Christmas dinner this year. You have no bandwidth for this big undertaking, and you say as much to another family member.

At first, they don’t push back – but the next day they bring over a thoughtful gift and plead with you to reconsider hosting. You’ve already said no, but they make it sound so reasonable, and they’ve been so generous as to bring you a gift. So you cave and agree to host.

This is a good example of both boundary-busting and guilt-tripping. They walked right over your “no,” but they brought you that thoughtful gift to cover their tracks. You felt guilty receiving the gift without reciprocating, so you went against your own integrity to please them.

–>  Sign #3: Gaslighting.

This is a big red flag, because it combines lying and reality distortion. Since the word gaslighting gets used incorrectly a fair bit, let’s clarify what it actually means.

Gaslighting isn’t just denying wrongdoing. It’s lying plus manipulating you into disbelieving reality (often by calling your sanity into question).

Here’s the difference in a nutshell. Lying is: “I didn’t do it.” Gaslighting is, “I didn’t do it, and you’re crazy for saying that I did.”

Being on the receiving end of gaslighting is de-stabilizing. Often it causes such intense confusion and cognitive dissonance that you don’t know what to do next.

–> Sign #4: Coercive control: subtle attempts to manipulate and control you under the guise of being “caring” and “loving.”

Here’s an example of coercive control: say you go to a party with your partner, only to realize they’ve left early, without telling you anything.

They might frame their departure as an act of self-care, but you both know: they left immediately after you said hello to someone they don’t like. Their sudden departure was a form of punishment and control.

–> Sign #5: Minimizing, deflecting, or explaining away hurtful behavior under the guise of a misunderstanding or joke. 

I was just kidding! You misunderstood me! You’re too sensitive! Ever heard those excuses? You’ll notice that there’s no accountability, no apology, and no acknowledgement of the impact of their words.

A good question to ask here is: I ever heard this person sincerely apologize when they’re in the wrong? Have I seen them take responsibility for their mistakes and failures?

Be careful here; people with unhealthy personalities are experts at pseudo-apologies: “I’m sorry you feel that way,” “I’m sorry you took my comment the wrong way, I only meant well,” etc.

A true apology is one in which the person is straightforward, takes full ownership of their wrongdoing, and makes real-world efforts to repair.

–> Sign #6: Using private information against you, thereby weaponizing your vulnerabilities.

This one is particularly hurtful. You shared something in confidence, and now the other person is wielding it like a weapon. When this takes you by surprise, it’s brutal.

When I was a young teenager and had just started shaving my legs, I told an adult that I had nicked my leg shaving, and that I felt embarrassed about it. I put on a bandage, thinking that was the end of it.

Later that day, the adult purposefully brought up the shaving incident in front of my friends. Apropos of nothing, they said: “Hi Caroline, how’s your leg, since you cut it shaving?” It was done under the guise of “concern”, but the shaming intent was obvious to me and my peers.

–> Sign #7: DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

When faced with evidence of their own wrongdoing, does this person deny it, attack you for bringing it up, and then try and cast themselves as the victim of your “attack”?

This phenomenon is called DARVO – Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It was created by Dr. Jennifer Fryed to describe the predictable pattern perpetrators engage in whenever they’re called out for their crimes.

The first two stages of DARVO, Deny and Attack, often overlap with gaslighting. The last two stages are when they cast themselves in the role of the victim, with you as the offender. They act as though you are persecuting them by bringing up their wrongdoing.

For example, let’s say you bring up a hurtful comment a loved one made: “When you said I looked like a whale, that was really hurtful to me.” A healthy person would apologize for that awful comment immediately.

An emotionally abusive person, however, might say something like this:

“What are you talking about? I never said that! (Deny.) You’re crazy for thinking I did. (Attack / Gaslight.) God, you always think the worst of me; I try so hard, but it’s never good enough for you, is it?” (Reverse Victim and Offender).”

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this, then you know: it can really mess with your mind. What we don’t often acknowledge is that it can mess with your body and your physical health, too.

What are the physical symptoms of covert narcissistic abuse?

I’ve been fortunate to work with many coaching clients on false guilt, people pleasing, and fear. My clients have worked hard to reclaim their lives and start living their truth. It’s amazing to witness.

And, speaking as a fellow recovering perfectionist: I’ve also noticed how much our empathy trips us up.

Don’t get me wrong; our greatest strength is our kind hearts. The trouble comes when we encounter people who live on the other end of the empathy spectrum.

These are people who have NO problem taking whatever they want from us … our time, our money, our energy. And when we don’t give them what they want, they start on the guilt or shame. (Do you have someone in mind as you read this?)

On some level, we feel as though we “owe” them more. Their entitlement is so convincing, especially because they are nice to us sometimes. And often we love them, which makes it even more complicated!

They pressure us, and we revert to our usual coping strategy – just keep giving! We give and give, then wonder why we’re miserable. It’s because we’re pouring our energy into bottomless wells.

This is when physical symptoms of covert narcissistic abuse show up. These symptoms may include, but are not limited to:

• Difficulty sleeping
• Overeating or undereating
• Autoimmune or autoinflammatory conditions
• Hypervigilance: feeling constantly on alert (often a combination of “fight” and “flight” nervous system responses)
• Constant exhaustion, feeling unable to summon energy (often a “flop” nervous system response; can also come as a result of people-pleasing, aka the “fawn” response)
• Ongoing muscle tension
• Migraines
• Digestive issues
• Addiction or substance abuse issues (typically as a last-ditch attempt to cope)

If you’re like the coaching clients I work with, you are loathe to think ill of anyone. That’s great! I love that about you! And, it’s really important to recognize that not everyone is the same.

If you have a lot of compassion and empathy, you tend to think that everyone else does, too. Alas, not everyone has access to these qualities in the same way that you do.

Watch out for the ones who feign friendship

The scariest villains aren’t necessarily the most menacing. Sometimes, the more dangerous enemies are the ones who feign friendship.

Think of Dolores Umbridge in Harry Potter. Though Voldemort is the more powerful villain, he doesn’t pretend to be otherwise. But Umbridge pretends to be meek even as she’s incredibly cruel. She’s a psychopath who tortures children, but she doesn’t present that way at all.

That’s an extreme example, of course. But even in our everyday lives, there’s a lot of cognitive dissonance going on, because some people really do pretend to be kind when they’re actually cruel. At times it’s exhausting to hold on to reality.

I love how Tara Westover, author of Educated, sums it up in this Irish Times interview:

“I have a theory that all abuse, no matter what kind of abuse it is, is foremost an assault on the mind. I think if you’re going to abuse someone you really have to convince them of two things.

First you have to normalise what you’re doing, convince them that it’s not that bad. And the second thing is to convince them that they deserve it in some way.

[My parents] succeeded in making me not trust myself in any meaningful way. It’s very difficult to continue to believe in yourself and that you’re a good person when the people who know you best don’t.”

How to recover from covert abuse?

Westover’s words illumine the insidious harm of abuse, and also point us toward two important stages of recovery.

The first part of recovery is about coming out of denial and naming abuse as abuse. This means actually facing up to how bad it was and how much it hurt. It’s about allowing yourself to understand the magnitude of what happened, and feel all the feelings that arise.

(The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s Identifying Abuse is one good resource to help with this process.)

The second part of recovery involves learning to trust yourself. Trust your perceptions, your instincts, and your intuition. Recognize your inherent goodness. Really let it sink in that you didn’t deserve abuse.

As Robin Williams’ character so famously says to Matt Damon’s in Good Will Hunting: “It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.”

It was never your fault. And it was never your job to fix or change or save the person who hurt you. (None of the recovery stages above involve the abusive party’s participation or cooperation.)

What is your job? To take care of yourself and love yourself.

When we realize that covert abuse has happened, the temptation is to focus on the ones who have hurt us. If only they’d just leave us alone, or go to therapy, or have empathy more consistently! If only they did something different, then we could feel free.

But the problem isn’t what we think it is.

To go back to the nightmare I shared in the beginning: On the surface, the problem was that I had intruders in my house. But on a deeper level, the problem was that there was no loving adult to set a boundary on that intrusion.

There was no one there to say, simply and with authority, “Leave my house, now.”

Our task is to become that person – to become our own authority, whether or not we ever say those words out loud. Sometimes it’s not safe to say them out loud!

That brings us to an important safety note: If you have any reason to believe that leaving, breaking up, or otherwise creating space between yourself and the person who is hurting you could result in additional harm and/or violence, please consult a professional to help.

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you exit. With that in mind, review and implement your own safety plan with The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s Plan for Safety page.

Bear in mind, I’m writing this next section assuming you’re physically safe and no one is going to hurt you for leaving. If that’s the case, one of the biggest challenges to getting out of abusive situations is the belief system that has been ingrained in your head.

It goes like this: Other people get to do and say basically whatever they want, and you need to find a way to go along with that, even if it feels terrible for you.

Other people (or cultic churches, or exploitative systems), get a free pass to drain the life out of you. The intruders get to come into your house and have a party, whether you like it or not!

And while you’re off trying to appease and make it all “work,” your innermost self is abandoned, orphaned, and alone.

But what if you were to become the loving adult that she needs right now? What if you were to start being that child’s fierce protector and advocate?

How much more peaceful and freeing would your life be, if you could count on yourself for that?

Here’s how you start. Write the answer to these three questions:

What would you do if you didn’t feel guilty?
What would you do if no one would be mad at you?
What would you do if you were truly FREE?

If you’re feeling particularly brave (and you know you’re safe to do so), leave your answers in the comments below.