Have you ever been enchanted with a story in which the heroine either doesn’t know, or doesn’t remember, her true identity?

(Yes, I get that this is not the typical lead-in to a post on overcoming perfectionism. It’s probably pretty weird. But go with me for a minute here.)

When I was younger I was fascinated by the animated movie Anastasia. In the (fictional) narrative, Anastasia is a princess who has had amnesia for years. When the movie starts, she’s impoverished and alone, with no idea that she’s royalty.

If you love Harry Potter or The Lion King or even The Princess Diaries, then you get the idea. All of these stories center around someone who is actually royalty in their world, but they do not realize it.

Do you know why we resonate so deeply with these stories? Because they are about us!

Now, we’re not talking about royalty in the “I’m better than others” kind of way. Rather, we’re talking about it in the “every human being is a part of the universe, part of the whole, one with the Force” kind of way.

What does this have to do with perfectionism, exactly? Here’s the deal. When we do the work of remembering who we are – when we learn to tap into our true identity – then perfectionism is no longer an issue.

When we address the root cause, the symptoms resolve.

What’s the root cause of perfectionism?

The root cause of perfectionism is fear. (As Elizabeth Gilbert famously said, “Perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat…”)

So the question then becomes, OK, how do I heal and resolve this fear?

In my experience, what helps most is seeing through the illusion of our own powerlessness. When we start noticing that we’re not just the small, scared, perfectionistic self, but rather, something more expansive.

Like Anastasia, Harry Potter, and Simba, we are powerful and capable and good … and we have forgotten. And my goal with this post is to help us remember who we truly are.

To get started, let’s pick a struggle that we’re currently dealing with – because as the famous saying goes, “The obstacle is the way.”

Overcoming perfectionism with an ancient practice

Here’s what I mean. I want you to pick something in your life that you do, that you do not want to do. Call it a habit, or a vice, or whatever you want. Pick a pattern that you can’t seem to quit. Just pick one thing to focus on for this exercise.

I’ll pick staying up past my bedtime, but you can pick anything. You might choose an area where you struggle with overcoming perfectionism; for example, putting so much pressure on yourself to complete projects perfectly that you either don’t start them at all, or wait until the last minute.

Got your issue? OK, here’s what you do next. I learned this exercise from Dr. Martha Beck, who learned it from Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, a research psychiatrist and one of the world’s leading experts on on obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

But as you’ll see at the end, the exercise actually goes back to ancient wisdom traditions.

A quick note as we begin – please actually move your hands to do this exercise, because it activates different neurocircuitry and makes the whole thing work much better. I have a client who called this exercise “put your palms up” because it’s important you actually do just that.

You can find an elegant version of this exercise in Martha Beck’s wonderful book The Way of Integrity, but here’s the version I first heard her describe a decade ago.

(I’ll take you through a written version of it here; if you prefer an audio/video version, scroll down to the video embed.)

Step 1: Put your right arm out, bend your elbow, then rest it on a table, so your right palm is facing upward to the sky. Get comfortable, we’re gong to be here for a minute.

Step 2: In your right palm, picture a miniature version of yourself that absolutely requires you to STOP doing the “bad” habit now. This is the part that is pissed off that you are still doing this thing, despite “knowing better.”

We call this part of you either the Controller or the Dictator, whichever you prefer. It’s basically your Inner Mean Girl.

When I did this exercise to address my late bedtimes, here’s how the Controller sounded:

“Are you freaking kidding me?! Why are we even having this conversation? You KNOW you need to go to bed. So, go the F to sleep! I am so tired of telling you this! Just do it! Just turn out the light before 10pm! This is not rocket science!”

Take a moment to tune in to this part of you. Listen to it scream at you to SHAPE UP!

Step 3: Ask yourself, “How does this feel to hear? Do I really want to listen to these orders?” (Spoiler alert, the answer will always be no.)

Step 4: While still keeping your right palm up, get in the same physical posture on the left side. Put your left palm up. Imagine that in your left hand, there is another miniature version of you … the part that feels hurt and afraid when the Controller/Dictator starts yelling.

This part of you doesn’t understand what the yelling is even about, she just wants it to stop. This is the part of you that’s like a small child, or a wild animal – so we call it either the Creature or the Wild Child.

It doesn’t really have much of a vocabulary, but it feels things really strongly. And right now, it’s feeling scared and shaken by all the yelling. Take a moment to tune into how this part is feeling. Notice the fear, the fatigue, the desperate desire for some peace.

Step 5: This is the most challenging part, but it’s really important, so don’t skip it. Here it is: Become aware of how both parts of you are essentially good. Recognize that both are trying to help you, albeit in very different ways.

Typically people find it easier to notice that the Creature/Wild Child is innocent, so we start there. Just take a beat and see that this is a vulnerable little animal, simply trying to survive. It probably feels beaten down and hurt by all the abuse that’s been heaped on it.

Then turn to the Controller/Dictator, and ask yourself, “Why is she yelling?” If you go deep and get honest, you’ll recognize: Oh my goodness, she’s yelling because she, too, is afraid.

She’s been working overtime to try and get you to stop doing whatever thing you’re doing. And since her efforts aren’t working, she’s getting very pushy and frantic.

If you’ve got it, great, go on on Step 6 below. If you’re having trouble seeing how both parts are innocent, read on for an example of how I have seen this dynamic in action with my two kids (ages 3 and 5 as of this writing).

How to deal with perfectionism in a child

Sometimes, the older kid bosses the younger kid around, and she obeys up to a point. But eventually, little sister either gets tired of it, or simply doesn’t understand what her older sister wants.

So she just starts doing her own thing. Then the big sister gets upset, because she can tell that she’s losing control of the situation.

She’s just the tiniest bit perfectionistic and she wants things to be a certain way, so she doubles down and starts bossing her little sister around even more.

At age 3, little sister has a more limited vocabulary and a less developed prefrontal cortex, so depending on whether she’s more angry or more scared, she either takes a swing at big sister or bursts into tears.

Either way, big sister gets really mad. Why is little sister not cooperating with her vision?!

At this point one or both are screaming and/or crying. Then I come in, look at them both absolutely losing their minds. If I’m tired or stressed, it’s tempting to come in with anger or judgment. This never helps.

When I’m in my right mind and living authentically, though, I don’t judge them. Instead, I take a moment to notice that I am them! After all, haven’t I had this same conflict in my own psyche a thousand times?

Look at these little loves, just trying to be human together. I get it. I’ve been both of you.

From this perspective, I come in calm and steady. Overcoming perfectionism (and its fallout) in my children doesn’t scare me, because I have dealt with it in myself first.

I tell you this to help you notice: Neither of these parts of you in your palms are bad. They’re basically the big sister and little sister of your psyche. They are both fundamentally good, both trying to help you in their own ways.

Which brings us to the last step …

Step 6: With your palms still up, offer compassion to both of the suffering parts of yourself. Both the Controller/Dictator and the Creature/Wild Child get to receive it.

So speak to them out loud; give them words of kindness and blessing. The words I learned are from a Buddhist metta (lovingkindness) prayer: “May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.”

You can pick the words you want. The most important thing is that you mean it. You might need to repeat it a few times until you do, that’s fine. Wait until you feel the sincerity, and allow that compassion to sink in.

One of my coaching clients actually went a step further with this, and chose two little toys to represent both parts of her psyche. She sent me this picture of her inner animals “hugging it out,” which made my day.

Step 7: Ask yourself: Where are YOU, right now?

You’re not the Controller/Dictator, and you’re not the Creature/Wild Child, either. You’re the one holding them both. In doing so, you put yourself into a separate space – literally, in a new part of your brain.

(If this doesn’t click right away, look into a mirror at yourself with your palms up. Observe yourself as the one in the middle.)

Put another way, you aren’t either of the fighting “kids.” Rather, you are their parent. You are the one who is holding them both with loving awareness.

You don’t need to know how to stop being a perfectionist – because in truth, you never were one. You were always something more. You always had the ability to not only think your thoughts, but also to watch yourself thinking, and decide for yourself what’s real.

(This part of you is what Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz calls this “the Impartial Spectator,” or “the Wise Advocate,” and it’s so important that it’s step 1 of his recovery process from OCD.)

This exercise is called Becoming the Watcher, and just about every ancient wisdom tradition includes some version of it.

Watch me coach a group through this exercise in this short excerpt from The Breakaway Retreat:

 

How to break the perfectionism cycle

I’ll never forget the day that I realized: Wait a second, I actually heard the story of Becoming the Watcher a long time ago – I just didn’t know what it meant!

Here’s how I explained it in an email to a coaching client:

Yesterday evening Jonathan stayed home with our youngest, while I took our older child to the park after a long, hard day. Our eldest climbed the slide over and over, and when I told her that we would be heading home soon because it was getting dark, she climbed up and nestled herself into my arms.

“Go to sleep on mommy,” she said, and my heart was full. We sat there for a few beats, sweaty and tired, and it was so sweet, there are no words for it.

And when she slid back down the slide, something dawned on me that I’ve never fully understood before.

I’m guessing you know the story of the prodigal son, from the Bible? The way I was taught to read it growing up, it was about God as the forgiving Father, and us, the listeners, as either the judgmental older brother or the thoughtless, irresponsible younger brother.

It was always framed that way for me. But today it struck me that it is also a story about the different parts of the human psyche, the three “characters” that exist within all of us.

There’s the younger brother, the part of us that’s impulsive and rash and sometimes acts without thinking through the consequences, and then is grief-stricken when he realizes the full extent of what he’s done.

There’s the older brother, the part of us that is diligent and responsible and frankly pissed off and resentful at how much the younger part gets away with.

And then there’s the father/parent/mother figure – the part that is just crazy in love with both of these hooligans, despite all of their apparent character flaws.

In short, it’s just like the Becoming the Watcher exercise we did together.

It strikes me that most of the time, we are in touch with both the younger and older parts of ourselves. In your emails I can hear both of these parts of you integrating, using their voices and telling their truths. I hear how you were, and also how you are growing and changing.

And what I see as a possibility for you going forward is to integrate the crazy-in-love parent part. The part that watches both younger and older ones within you, and just cannot help loving them with all of her heart.

That’s what I felt as I sat with my eldest child on top of the slide. I thought, no matter what she does, no matter how many temper tantrums she throws in toddlerhood and beyond, I am always going to be crazy about her. I am always going to see her essential goodness.

And I think that’s what self-forgiveness is, for me at least. It isn’t about banishing any parts of your psyche – not the part that gets angry and scared and depressed, nor the part that has learned how to manage those feelings and carry on under duress.

Rather, it’s about simply allowing for the presence of that third part – the part that sees you as the most beautiful person in the world.

So spend a little time – even 10 seconds is great – just allowing that third part to exist, and feeling into that energy of unconditional love.

It doesn’t have to be a father or mother figure if that doesn’t work for you; it can be any presence that looks at you and just says, You, all parts of you, you are okay with me. I love you, always.

This is who we truly are. In our essence, at our core – we are loving awareness. It feels like coming home because it is our home.

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If you’re weary and worn from trying to have a better life – if you want to create a life that welcomes you just as you are – then come talk to me.

Book a Clarity Call with me, where we’ll accomplish 3 things:

• Create a detailed vision of the life you yearn for. (This is where we spend 80% of our time. You’ll come away with a personalized, make-you-cry-when-you-read-it vision.)
• Understand what’s really holding you back from living that way (usually the biggest obstacle is a big surprise).
• Discern whether Pursue Your Path coaching is your next step to creating a life that welcomes you. (There is no obligation; I only ask that if you book a call, you are seriously considering the possibility.)

Click here to book your Clarity Call with me.

I look forward to connecting with you!