I will never forget the day Nora told me what was really going on. When we first started coaching together, the person I’ll call Nora had thousands of emails maxing out her inbox. She was getting close to 400 incoming emails a day. Talk about overwhelm!

Nora knew that this mountain of email clutter was holding her back from the peaceful life she wanted. But digging out, deleting, and unsubscribing was hard for her. It meant letting go of expectations, which is hard for all of us helper-types.

Have you ever had the thought that you just can’t delete emails, “just in case” you need them to be of service to others? Ever expected yourself to keep tons of resources, because someone else might find them useful?

If so, then you know that this feeling of over-responsibility covers a deeper fear of worthlessness. For Nora, that fear ran deep.

And as she sifted through the deluge of email, she noticed something important. An old friend of hers, who we’ll call Christy, had sent her a LOT of emails.

Christy had a hard life, and wasn’t well; Nora felt sorry for her. So instead of Nora noticing how awful she felt around her “friend,” she worked harder. She gave advice and tried to help.

When that didn’t work, Nora said no to more correspondence. But Christy refused to take no for an answer, and the emails kept coming.

Let’s pause for a PSA from Dr. Martha Stout of Harvard: “If you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”

Nora didn’t know to watch out for the pity play; most people don’t. And the correspondence had spiraled out of control. Christy had sent her 358 emails in the past year!

When Nora told me that, I asked her, “How many of those emails did you want to receive?”

“None,” she answered.

And while Nora’s so-called friend was an extreme case, I’ve encountered my own version of this dynamic. For example, recently I signed into Facebook and noticed that I had several messages from a new “friend.” Keep in mind, this was someone I’d never met or encountered before.

After I’d accepted her friend request a couple of days before, she’d sent a series of four messages over the course of about 48 hours.

Clearly, I did not meet her expectations! While I consider not checking Facebook on a daily basis completely reasonable and right for me, not being in constant contact read as unreasonable to her.

My present self understands that a sense of entitlement is a huge red flag. In the past, however, I might have felt guilty, and wondered if I’d done something wrong.

In coaching, Nora also reckoned with false guilt about Christy. She sifted through the trauma-driven beliefs that had kept her in this awful dynamic. Together, Nora and I questioned beliefs such as …

I’m responsible for her unhappiness.
I’m the last person who can help her.
It’s mean to want her out of my life.

We also got to the underlying core issue (which was not what Nora thought it was), and did emotional-level work to resolve it. After that, it was relatively easy for her to set a firm boundary and block Christy. What a relief!

As soon as Nora ended it, she looked more alive. When she told me, “I have to take care of me first,” I raised my arms and cheered.

And get this. Almost the moment Nora said goodbye for good, a new love came into her life. Ironically, it was someone else from way back when! But this time, the feelings were mutual.

In my experience, that’s how it works. Good things are always trying to come to us, but old drama is blocking the path. And when we finally clear the way, goodness rushes in.

Can you relate to this, dear reader? Have you ever stayed in an unhealthy relationship (or a job, or another commitment)? Are you in one now? If so, how much time, money, and energy have you spent sacrificing yourself?

When you really count the cost, it’s staggering. But the truth can free you to say, “Enough is enough, starting now.”

How to let go of others’ expectations of you

Here’s the thing: Others’ expectations aren’t actually a problem for me unless I internalize them.

For example, if you think I should dye my hair orange, and I’m confident that my hair is fine as is, then I’m probably not going to stress. I’m going to laugh. I don’t have a problem with your expectation, because I haven’t internalized it. No part of me expects me to have orange hair!

But let’s say you expect me to work harder on a given project. As a recovering perfectionist, I’m more vulnerable here. Since the old workaholic part of me agrees with your expectation that I should work harder, I don’t laugh it off. Instead, I push myself; I strive to meet your expectation.

But is your expectation really the problem? Or is it the fact that I’ve internalized your expectation as my own, and am now trying hard to comply with it?

As I wrote to my editor, when the publishing team suggested “Free Yourself from Other People’s Expectations” as the subtitle for my first book, You Don’t Owe Anyone:

“Other people’s expectations” locates the problem externally, rather than internally. My biggest problem isn’t other people’s expectations; it’s the inner critic, the harsh internal judge that demands perfection.

Granted, other people’s expectations have shaped that inner critic – particularly when I was young – but it seems important to emphasize that this is an internal struggle. I internalized those expectations, to such a degree that they feel like – and even became – my own.

(We landed on “Free Yourself from the Weight of Expectations” for the subtitle.)

All of that to say, the first step to letting go of others’ expectations is simply to notice: Which expectations have I internalized? Which ones give me trouble, because part of me thinks I should meet them?

If you’re having trouble identifying them, just start with an area of your life that feels stressful, pressured, or unhappy. It can be anything: your morning routine, your physical fitness, your parenting, your creative practice, or your business.

Then, ask yourself: What rules am I living by? What are the shoulds, oughts, and musts that dictate my days? Write them down.

Once you have those rules in front of you, take them through a questioning process. I recommend and coach people through The Work of Byron Katie; I go into detail about it in You Don’t Owe Anyone.

Question the beliefs that are keeping you stuck and scared. From there, you open up a space to imagine what else is possible.

How to practice letting go of expectations

Start imagining what’s possible by asking yourself these two questions:

• What would I do if no one would be mad at me, and everyone approved?
• What would I do if I didn’t need more approval from anyone – if my approval tank was already filled to the brim?

Take a moment. What would you do differently?

Here are just a few answers I’ve heard from my coaching clients:

• Go get the mail in my bathrobe
• Cut my hair super short
• Tell my mother she needs to ask first before coming over
• Move across the country and live in a tiny house
• Get divorced (and ask for what I want in the settlement)
• Quit my job and start my own business

What would change about your life, if you didn’t need approval? If you gave yourself permission to look at what you want and go for it? There would be lots of positive changes on the path to your purpose.

The problem is, in order to actually make those changes, you must face a formidable fear, which boils down to: What if they hate me for it?

What if I go for my goal and the friendship ends, or the marriage collapses, or the family disowns me?

As humans, losing love is our worst fear. So it’s understandable that we avoid anything that might jeopardize close connections. The problem is, when we walk the path of approval instead of the path to our purpose, we lose our connection to OURSELVES.

The spark is gone, the inspiration has run dry … all because we were trying so hard to be “good enough.” We think that if “they” approved of us, then we’d feel free and happy, when it’s actually the other way around.

When we approve of ourselves, we feel free and happy. (As Byron Katie says, “Skip the middleman, and be happy from here.”)

Frequently Asked Questions

I can hear you asking: But how am I supposed to do that, knowing I’ll face huge push back and pressure? How do I handle that one person in my life who is probably going to lose their mind when they hear what I have planned?

The short answer is: You build a sturdy home within yourself, so that you can weather the storms that come your way. You can’t change their response, but you can change your capacity to handle it.

In order to build that psychological structure, you need relational support. Ideally, you’ll work with a therapist and/or a coach to support you in the process of recovering your true self…the one who’s currently buried under the weight of expectations.

This is especially important if there’s something or someone in your life that’s not good for you, that you know that you need to let go of – but you just keep clinging on tightly.

Dear reader, pause here and ask yourself: Is there anything I’m holding on to that I know isn’t right for me? Do I feel I can’t let go, yet I don’t know why?

If so, I know what that’s like. There was a friendship that I just could not let go of, even though it wasn’t good for me, and hadn’t been good for a long time. In this video, I share the story, and the emotional-level work that helped me heal and move on.

Emotional-level tools and processes like the one I describe in the video free you to start living authentically and building your confidence.

Did you know that confidence literally means, “fidelity to self”? If you don’t have that, the pressure from other people is going to win. You’re going to second-guess and go back on your word.

Fortunately for you, I have a black belt in surviving, then thriving, in the face of social disapproval. I’ve some seriously unpopular choices on the path to my purpose.

First I left a doomsday cult and attended Vassar, a very liberal college I loved. Then I graduated with honors, but instead of hopping on the career fast track, I lived in community with adults with special needs.

From there I turned down a full scholarship to grad school at Princeton and married my love (even as several people close to me at the time did not approve of that decision, and told me so).

Then I quit my secure job and started my own business, moved to a small town where 70% of the population votes differently than I do, and published a book that ruffled feathers and sold 5000+ copies.

It’s been so much fun!

That’s the thing about making decisions that are fully in alignment for you. You will not always get approval – sometimes you will get outright disapproval! – but you will have SUCH a good time on the way.

What does it mean to let go of expectations?

Yes, it’s deeply satisfying to live according to your truth. And: it’s not always easy. Sometimes, letting go of expectations is downright hard. If you’re struggling, I get it!

And while I’ve made all those brave choices listed above, there have been many times when I let my true self get buried under the weight of expectations.

Frankly, my biggest long-term problem has been my desire to be “better” than I am. To exceed expectations.

(Can you relate, dear reader? Do you regularly think thoughts like, “I should be a better person,” or, “My sister / my spouse / my friend is better than me”…?)

Now, healthy growth is one thing. It’s good for me to go in the direction of my dreams. But believing I should be a different person is something else entirely.

Thinking that I should be better than I am has gotten me into so much trouble over the years!

It’s made me stay in jobs for which I was fundamentally unsuited. It’s made me cling to friendships that weren’t supportive. It’s made me burn myself out, even become ill. It’s made me distrust my natural reactions – which led to staying in dangerous situations.

In short, trying to be someone I’m not is a bad idea.

And yet, letting go of that expectation isn’t the easiest thing, either. Especially when that drive to be “better” has fueled so much of your life to this point!

But in my experience, constantly pushing yourself leads to exhaustion. If you’re weary and worn from trying to have a better life – if you want to create a life that welcomes you, just as you are – then come talk to me.

Book a Clarity Call with me, where we’ll accomplish 3 things:

• Create a detailed vision of the life you yearn for. (This is where we spend 80% of our time. You’ll come away with a personalized, make-you-cry-when-you-read-it vision.)
• Understand what’s really holding you back from living that way (usually the biggest obstacle is a big surprise).
• Discern whether Pursue Your Path coaching is your next step to creating a life that welcomes you. (There is no obligation; I only ask that if you book a call, you are seriously considering the possibility.)

Click here to book your Clarity Call with me.

I look forward to connecting with you!