More than a decade ago, I flew cross-country for my cousin’s wedding. I traveled all day, slept at my parents’ house, then left early the next morning to drive another couple of hours to the wedding.

That itinerary was rough. Before I even arrived at the venue, I was already in self-abandonment mode. As a bridesmaid and a 10/10 introvert, I was at the wedding from 9am through midnight. I didn’t get back to my parents’ home until close to 2am.

Needless to say, I was exhausted the next day. I slept late. Despite the copious amounts of hairspray the stylist had used, I was too tired to shower.

All I wanted was rest. But then my mom came to the door. She told me it was time to get up, take a shower, and get ready to come down for dinner. I told her no, I was not going to be able to do that.

She insisted yes, I was going to come down to dinner. She had a couple of members of our extended family arriving! They’d be so disappointed if I wasn’t there! I told her no, I had spent plenty of time with those same family members yesterday, and I desperately needed to rest today.

She repeated that yes, I was going to come down to dinner. I told her no, I was definitely not. Neither of us would back down, and our voices raised in anger. I remember shouting that I could not do it. And I remember her telling me again and again that I had to.

What does it mean to self-abandon?

Do you know what I chose to do next, as an independent, successful 28-year-old who’d been living away from her parents for the past decade? I obeyed my mother, and I abandoned myself.

I got in the shower, washed my hair multiple times to get rid of the hairspray, and went down to dinner. My mother was pleased. But me? My true self wasn’t even really there.

What does it mean to self-abandon? It’s ignoring your true needs, beliefs, and feelings in an attempt to please another. It’s pressing the override button on your truth. It’s knowing what you need, and turning away from that need rather than meeting it. It’s a betrayal, and it cuts deep.

You might be wondering: Why do we do this? Well, I’ll tell you what happened for me, why I caved in and complied with my mother that day. As we’d argued, I’d felt a surge of fierce energy flood my body. Uncomfortable as I was with feeling anger (see also: deadly sin), I started to doubt myself.

I reasoned that if I had the energy to argue, then my mom must be right, and I really “should” come down to dinner. So in essence, the decision to abandon myself came from limiting beliefs I learned early on: I cannot trust my feelings; they are wrong and bad. I am the problem. I need to be better. 

Growing up as I did, steeped in a cultic church, is it any wonder I chose as I did? Yet that choice to go down to dinner felt like lead in my stomach. I was dissociated, checked out, and emotionally invisible the whole night.

Back then, I didn’t understand that I had nothing to prove. I didn’t have to prove that I was tired enough to stay in bed. I truly didn’t know that I was free to take care of myself … even if other people got mad!

At that time, I hadn’t done deep inner healing work. Back then, I didn’t know how to explore long-buried emotional issues and resolve them. Having spent a lifetime being my own harshest critic, I didn’t know how to be kind to myself.

In the video below, How to Live True to Your Purpose (Even If You Are Great at Caretaking and Putting Your Own Needs on the Back Burner), I’m sharing personal stories from when I was in full-on martyr mode … and what helped me to shift out of breakdown and into breakthrough.

I share it so you know: It really is possible to stop abandoning yourself, even if you have years of practice caretaking everyone else.

 

Self-abandonment symptoms

Now, let’s talk about you. Can you relate to the stories I shared above? If so, let’s talk about common self-abandonment symptoms. See if you recognize yourself in this list.

• Struggles with boundaries, including taking responsibility for other people’s feelings
• Apologizing often and feeling guilty, even if you haven’t actually done anything wrong
• Noticing that you lie a lot to be polite – saying “it’s fine” when it’s really not fine
• Taking all the discomfort on yourself
• Making excuses for others and allowing mistreatment, even covert abuse
• Thinking, “I am selfish if I am not meeting the wants of others.”
• Believing that you’re not good enough and you need to be “better” – even though you work very hard to be good
• Avoiding stillness and silence, knowing that there’s a ton of unprocessed emotional pan that will arise if you get quiet
• Longing to get away from daily demands and get some rest and help … so much so, you secretly wish you could check into the hospital

This last symptom deserves a little more space, because most people find it hard to admit. I get it, because I’ve been there. Back in 2016, I had this secret fantasy. I thought about it every day, but it took me months to say it out loud. I wanted to go to rehab!

Why? Because despite many external successes, I was struggling inside. I wanted to go to rehab to get some help for my heart and soul. I wanted to work with people who could help me to address the high-functioning hopelessness that had dogged me for years.

The problem was, I didn’t have a drug or alcohol addiction. I didn’t have any of the socially acceptable reasons for going to rehab. Plus, I was ashamed of the desire itself. But since then, I’ve discovered that it’s actually really common among recovering perfectionists!

I’ve heard many smart, capable people confide that they wish they could go to the hospital for a month. They wish they had something just serious enough to require inpatient treatment. It’s their version of my rehab fantasy. And from where I stand now, it makes sense.

This dream is not about wanting to be sick. It’s about wanting time, space, and support in order to heal.

The good news is, you can learn how to heal. You can learn to take the pressure off. To come home to yourself, after years spent away. How do I know that? Because I did go to rehab back in 2016!

Through a series of fortunate events, I spent an intensive month at an atypically excellent rehab, The Clearing. It formed the foundation of the work that I do as a coach.

Every day, I help people like you to recover from perfectionism, people pleasing, and holding themselves to impossible standards. If this rings true, then know this: You can learn to stand your ground. Your story is not over. In fact, it’s just beginning.

My experience has been that self-sacrifice is a trap. So, let’s talk about how to stop falling for it.

How to undo self-abandonment?

Let’s take this in four steps.

1. Get clear on the nature of the problem.
2. Stop lying.
3. Discover what’s true for you.
4. Live according to what’s true for you.

Step 1 – Get clear on the nature of the problem. This is important because most of the clients I work with in coaching think that self-abandonment is yet another character flaw, yet another thing they need to fix and improve about themselves.

But the truth is, self-abandonment is a trauma response. It’s an adaptive behavior. It’s something we had to do in order to survive. It’s a process that may have saved our sanity in childhood.

Back then, we needed to adapt to dysfunctional situations. We needed to see unconditional love when actually it was all about conditions.

Think about it: none of us come into the world self-abandoning. As babies, we know exactly how to advocate for ourselves and our needs! Have you ever met a baby or small child who was “fine” with starvation, abuse, and neglect? Nope, me neither.

And the truth is, I’ve never met an adult who was “fine” with it either – we just know how to lie better. Which brings us to step 2 – quit lying. You don’t have to start telling the truth yet, just lie less.

My favorite coach, Dr. Martha Beck, cites this study on how lying less helps our physical and mental health. And yes, this step includes unhooking from the lies in your own mind, the belief system that has been ingrained in your head.

It goes like this: Other people get to do and say basically whatever they want, and you need to find a way to go along with that, even if it feels terrible for you. Other people (or projects, or obligations), get a free pass to drain the life out of you.

But – to quote Byron Katie’s The Work – is that true? Can you know for sure that it’s true? How do you react, what happens, when you believe those thoughts? Notice that while you’re off trying to appease and make it all “work,” your innermost self is abandoned, orphaned, and alone.

Those questions form a bridge to step 3 – discovering what’s true for you. Note that I make this a separate step from “live what’s true for you” because knowing and doing are different. If you’ve been self-abandoning for years, you need space to simply recognize yourself and your truth.

Therapy is great for this, as is good coaching. As a starting point, ask yourself:

What if you were to become the loving adult that you needed back then?
What if you were to start being that child’s fierce protector and advocate?
What if you prioritized what she needs to feel loved and safe?

How much more peaceful would your life be, if you could count on yourself for that?

Once you have a better grasp on what’s true for you, it’s time for step 4 – start living that truth. This is where the magic happens. In my work as a coach, I see it happen every day – let me give you some examples of how to undo self-abandonment to inspire you.

I witnessed one client bravely acknowledge her long-discounted dream to enjoy life with a partner, rather than resigning herself to more solitude than she wanted. Now, she’s with someone she really loves, and they’re traveling and going on adventures together.

Another client did emotional-level work on their relationship with money, rather than staying stuck in self-denial. They immediately uncovered a hidden stash that turned out to be the precise amount they needed to purchase a long-desired item.

Do you notice how getting rigorously honest and staying open to possibility led these people to seemingly miraculous results? Again, this is actually pretty common! Here’s one of my favorite stories of how I saw this play out in my own life.

Self-abandonment healing is an active process

One fall morning in 2023, I woke up to a chill in the air. I felt like staying in bed, but there were children to tend to and work to be done. As I rose, I felt a bit grumpy and victimized.

(Do you know that feeling? When you feel trapped from the minute you open your eyes, then you feel guilty about feeling that way?)

After years of practice, I’ve learned to recognize this feeling as an invitation. When we’re feeling trapped, we don’t need to shame ourselves for feeling that way. That’s counterproductive. Rather, we just need to get back in touch with our truth and set ourselves free.

So I asked myself, “OK, Caroline, what would feel like life for you? What do you really want to do with this precious time? If you were truly free, what would you do?”

Immediately, the answer came: I want to go walking in nature, somewhere beautiful. Maybe even see some deer! Oh, that would be perfect. (Deer are my spirit animal because they are basically Audrey Hepburn with fur; they exude the same graceful, heart-centered strength.)

Buoyed by the thought of being outside with some deer, I decided to make it happen. I had enough time before my coaching calls, and I figured that going on a walk might lend inspiration for writing as well. So once dropped the kids off at school, I got back into the car.

But there was this strange sensation: While I’d initially imagined going to my favorite forest trail, I felt a distinct nudge toward the river itself. Hmm, I wondered, does this mean I’m going to walk the trail near the marina?

The intuitive answer was, No, that’s not it. Yes to the river, but no to the marina.

OK, that’s confusing, I thought, but I guess I’ll just drive and see where I end up. I ended up at my favorite park, where I’d normally walk a forest trail under a canopy of green. And even though the deer in our area usually avoid humans – hello, hunting culture – they often show up there for me.

But this morning, I found myself moving towards the Old Railroad Bridge trail instead. Oh OK, I thought, that makes some sense, because the trail goes over the Tennessee River, hence the nudge to go to the water.

This is weird, though, because that’s the most popular trail and I like solitude. And I have no chance of seeing deer this way! But the pull is there, so I’ll go with it.

For the rest of the story to make sense, I need to clarify a few points. The Old Railroad Bridge goes about three-quarters of the way across the Tennessee River, then ends to allow access for bigger ships and barges.

The Old Railroad Bridge end point is next to Patton Island. The elevated bridge and the lower island don’t actually touch, but they come within a few feet of one another.

Once I reached the end of the bridge, I noticed a blue heron balanced on the narrow shore of Patton Island. So I stood and watched the balletic bird for a while. The sun shone on my face and the wind batted my hair. I felt deeply, entirely peaceful.

And that’s when I saw them. Right there, hidden in the trees at the edge of Patton Island … deer! There were at least three of them, two does and a fawn. They’d been standing so still, I hadn’t seen them at first. But apparently they’d been there all along, just waiting for me to pay attention.

I dropped my jaw. Then I grinned. Moments later, other walkers came up the bridge and the deer turned tail and fled. And then I looked down at the graffiti on the bridge, right where I was standing. It read, simply, “Love Yourself.”

I don’t know why I felt the nudge to go on that adventure, and then to come back and share it with you. All I know is that when I trust myself and my knowing, invariably you come back to me and say, “Caroline, how did you write exactly what I needed?”

It’s pretty simple, actually. Whenever I connect to Peace, I connect to you too. Because Peace is where we come from and where we are going.

So let me ask you this, dear reader: Where are you feeling trapped in your own life? Where do you feel the weight of expectations pressing in on you? You can spend your life in a cage and call it virtuous, even though it feels like death.

Or, you can get quiet and ask yourself: What feels like life to me, here and now?

Getting the answer isn’t the hardest part. Our truth is always trying to reach us. Rather, the hardest part is living the answer. Often, living the answer will not “make sense” to your rational mind. After all, it didn’t “make sense” for me to go to a river when I wanted to see deer.

But that’s where all the magic is. That’s where self-abandonment healing happens.

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If you are ready to create a life that feels like living, book a Clarity Call with me.

In a Clarity Call, we go through a process of clarifying what you truly want in your life, and what’s stopping you from creating it. Then we explore whether coaching with me is your next right step toward building a life that feels true for you.

I help smart, capable women who are secretly suffering finally stop doing what they’re “supposed to” do and start doing what they’re meant to do. If that resonates…

Click here to book a Clarity Call to see if coaching with me is right for you.

PS – Hesitating because you think it’s better to keep struggling alone? Read this, from Ann Brashares …

“Maybe you think you’ll be entitled to more happiness later by forgoing all of it now, but it doesn’t work that way. Happiness takes as much practice as unhappiness does. It’s by living that you live more. By waiting you wait more. Every waiting day makes your life a little less. Every lonely day makes you a little smaller. Every day you put off your life makes you less capable of living it.”