Can I tell you a story about a brilliant thing my two year old once did, if I promise to keep it short and make it relevant to reparenting yourself? OK great! Here we go.

One day when I came upstairs for bedtime, our two year old joyfully called out, “Mommy!” I called out her name, and we smiled at each other from across the room.

But instead of racing into my arms as usual, she looked at me and said, emphatically, “You can’t do anything to me!”

“What? What do you mean?” I said. But rather than trying to figure it out, I asked the same questions I usually ask when we meet again after a brief separation: “Can I give you a hug? Can I come cuddle you?”

She said, “No! You can’t do anything to me!”

That’s when it dawned on me: My youngest child had correctly anticipated my behavior! She knew I would check in and ask if it was OK to cuddle her. She’d preempted the question so I wouldn’t get close to her. But why?

Suspicious, I sniffed the air. And there it was.

“Honey, did you tell me that because you need a diaper change?” I asked. Her abashed expression said it all.

And even as I was changing that disgusting diaper, I felt a glow of gladness. I was glad because I realized: my toddler knows that she can count on my love.

It’s consistent to the point that she can predict my next move. And so she can relax, because she knows that her mama will always be happy to see her.

And then I thought about what happens when we don’t have that consistency, that foundational love and acceptance from our caregivers. Perhaps we had a safe haven as babies, but once we developed a separate personality, the acceptance was over.

And when we aren’t loved for who we truly are, we develop a whole host of coping mechanisms and workarounds. (What causes perfectionism? The fear of being “bad,” the sense that who we are isn’t good.)

Perfectionism probably helped us to survive hard times as kids, but as adults, it drains our life away. Nowadays, we’re the ones keeping ourselves in a state of deep emotional depletion, where who we are is never enough.

What is reparenting?

The good news is, we can refill that abyss inside. We can learn to reparent ourselves — meaning, we can figure out which of our childhood needs went unmet, and then proactively meet those needs now.

Growing up, we were taught to be kind to others. That’s a good thing! But most of us were not taught dual empathy: the ability to be kind to both ourselves AND others.

And when we’re not taught to be good to ourselves, our growth gets stunted. It’s like a plant that doesn’t get enough water; it may survive, but it can’t thrive.

But when we give ourselves what we need emotionally, we get the nourishment we need to heal and grow. We stop living “one down” to others and start living as equals.

What is reparenting? It’s giving ourselves the love, support, and nurturing we always wished someone else would! We don’t have to wait around for “them” to do it anymore! What a relief.

Let me give you one ordinary example of reparenting, then one dramatic example.

Reparenting yourself examples

What does it look like when we have peace within ourselves, just by being ourselves? What’s it like when we’re comfortable just being who we are? Let me give you a window into what’s possible.

Yesterday, I logged into Zoom to meet with a potential coaching client. To prepare, I read over my notes, then turned on my camera. As my face flashed up on the screen, I heard something I didn’t expect.

It was my own voice saying to my own face, “Hello, darling!”

I said it the way I do when I see my children first thing in the morning: with deep affection and warmth. THAT was a delightful shock.

After all those years of self-loathing, self-harm, and constant self-denial, greeting myself kindly felt miraculous. That one small act of reparenting meant the world.

It reminded me of that moment in Eat Pray Love when Liz Gilbert glimpses herself in a reflected surface, and for a second thinks she’s seeing a friend of hers. She tells herself: “Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

But then I remembered something important. That happens before Liz goes on her journey and begins her deep work. And that makes total sense, right?

Before you begin your healing journey, you need to see someone else to feel joyful recognition. Once you’re on the path, you can feel joyful recognition when you see yourself.

When the camera turned on, there was no sense of mistaken identity. I knew who I was looking at. That “Hello darling!” arose as a result of the reparenting work I’ve done.

Listen in as I host the Progress On Purpose Live Event, talking with speaker Bob Dietrich about how we’d both chosen to reparent ourselves in the same practical way (the clip includes a picture of little me!)

 

Simply putting a picture of “little you” on display can make a difference. It reminds you to speak to yourself with love, not judgment.

Lest you think it’s always simple and camera-ready, though, let me tell you about how I used reparenting during a really tough time.

This is me one Saturday in 2021. I took this picture after I’d spent 20 minutes sobbing in our garage. Before that, I hadn’t cried for quite some time – not even after our toddler tripped over her high chair and screamed in pain 11 days before.

She couldn’t put weight on her right leg, so my husband Jonathan and I took her to the ER for X-rays and a temporary cast. After an exhausting weekend, we went to the orthopedist for more X-rays, a more substantial cast for the probable hairline fracture in her foot, and more screaming.

Then, with the help of some wonderful babysitters, we spent the week supporting our energetic, off-the-growth-charts 22-month-old who suddenly couldn’t walk.

We did so while working from home, recovering from the rigors of my book launch and audio book recording, and preparing for the arrival of a new baby. That’s right: that day, I was nearly 37 weeks pregnant.

It was exciting, miraculous, and weighty in every sense. It’s hard to hold a 30lb toddler with a cast on a 9-months-pregnant belly. And this pregnancy prompted me to reckon with past trauma on a new level.

Which brings us to the next reason I was crying. You see, we had help that weekend – our in-laws graciously came to support us – but I was having trouble receiving that help.

All of my old perfectionistic patterns came up. I wasn’t being direct with my communication, or asking for as much as I needed. Instead, I was hoping that those around me would figure it out without me having to ask.

Plus, I felt conflicted about being apart from our older girl. I was desperate for downtime but reluctant to let her out of my sight. Despite my best efforts she didn’t nap, and I felt weary and victimized.

It was so frustrating, watching myself slide into the old self-sacrificing mode.

I didn’t ask Jonathan for help, but I did ask him for permission to go for a walk (?!) He was incredulous: Why didn’t I just go and do what I needed to do?

I did not know the answer. I did not know what I needed – or more precisely, I could not access the part of myself that DID know. I was the apostle Paul, doing that which I did not want to do, failing to do that which I wanted to do. So I went to the garage and cried.

How long does it take to reparent?

Whenever I hear this question, I always want to reach out and hold the hand of the person who’s asking. Why? Because I get where it’s coming from. It comes from being soul weary and yearning for relief.

It comes from not wanting to be alone in the suffering any longer. So let me reassure you: While the process of reparenting is lifelong, it also alleviates suffering quickly. Your internal experience can change in just a few minutes.

So, how long does it take to reparent yourself? It takes both lifetime and no time at all. It takes years worth of nurturing, and, you can feel its power immediately.

This may sound strange, but let’s break it down. The essence of reparenting is learning to love yourself. It’s applying love to the parts of yourself that hurt, so you can finally heal.

And if you’ve ever truly loved someone, then you know: real love goes beyond linear time. Love has a way of time-traveling; it can reach back into the past and change your memory, and it can reach forward into the future and alleviate your fear.

How? By simply bringing you into the present moment. By helping you to feel safe and held, right here and right now.

How to begin reparenting yourself

Sitting there sobbing with my enormous belly, I instinctively began reparenting myself. I reached for the psychological tools I use with coaching clients.

First, I allowed the big feelings to flow through me without resistance. One of the best ways to do this is through a practice called free form writing, which is perfect for intense emotions. As I write in You Don’t Owe Anyone:

“I’ve encountered variations of [free form writing] in several places; it’s similar to Morning Pages in Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way, and I learned the following form from the staff at The Clearing.)

The exercise is simple: Get a pen and a pile of blank paper. Set a timer and write for fifteen minutes. During this time, keep your hand moving continually; write anything and everything that comes up for you.

Nothing is off-limits; as long as your hand is moving and you’re writing, you’re doing the exercise correctly. Let everything out onto the page; hold nothing back. Say exactly what you think and how you feel. Tell the truth of your own experience. Write what is real for you, here, now, today.

When your time is up, do not reread your words. Instead, destroy the paper completely. Personally, I love to burn the paper, but since I’m often in places where it’s not safe to do so, I’ll soak the paper in water and then tear up the sodden pieces.

Knowing that I will destroy the paper as soon as I’m done writing gives me a sense of freedom to be real and raw. Try it and see what happens when you give yourself the gift of this releasing.”

Writing like this also helps you notice the terrifying thoughts in your mind. That day in the garage, I only knew how to do thought work by itself, so I used The Work of Byron Katie and gently questioned the thoughts that were making me miserable.

Nowadays, I love doing a process that fuses elements of somatic experiencing, mindfulness, and thought work all together.

The process comes from Martha Beck during her guest appearance on the Mel Robbins podcast. Here it is in a nutshell:

1. Check for suffering.
2. Find the suffering in your physical body.
3. Describe the physical sensation. (Doing this gets you into the Observer mode; rather than completely identifying with the feeling, you get a little distance from it. I write more about the power of this approach in Embracing Imperfection Gets Easier with This Ancient Practice.)
4. Identify what emotion is arising for you: are you sad, mad, or scared? (The 5 main categories of emotion are sad, mad, glad, scared, and awestruck, and only 3 of those contribute to suffering.)
5. Let that emotion be as big as it wants to be! This is such a ninja move, because we usually resist negative emotion. We tell ourselves, “This is silly!” and judge ourselves for feeling it at all. But here, we are allowing it to be HUGE. Does it want to be as big as your body? Does it want to blow the roof off your house? Fine! Allow it.
6. Notice the painful thought tapes that arise alongside the emotion. When I was in the garage that day, my most painful thought was, “I can’t do anything right.”
7. Turn around the most painful thoughts to the opposite. Basically, flip the original thought on its head, and see how the exact opposite feels. My painful thought was, “I can’t do anything right,” and the opposite was, “I can’t do anything wrong.” What a relief!

Finally, I did a brief dialogue with the essence of another person. I pictured a loving mentor, and asked her what to do.

My mentor said, “Oh honey. You’re SO pregnant right now! Of course you don’t know what you want and need. Forget that! It’s completely okay not to know.”

I started laughing through my tears, because it was such a loving, funny way to take the pressure off.

My mental mentor said, “Your daughter was hurt this week, and you have been so brave for her, and patient with her. Let’s turn a little bit of that mothering energy towards yourself. You, too, are a soul who is worthy of love and care.”

How to heal an inner child

So I went back inside and rested in Jonathan’s arms. I forgave myself for forgetting to receive care. From that place of peace, I remembered kneeling next to our daughter while she received her temporary cast in the ER. The nurses were as kind as could be, but our girl was terrified.

For a beat, I felt lost in fear, too. Then I took a breath and “mothered up.”

Whether or not you’re a mother in the physical sense, I bet you know what “mothering up” is. It’s when you channel every ounce of courage you possess. It’s when you show up because your beloved needs your bravery.

I spoke to our toddler softly, soothingly. I stroked her fair hair and recited lines from a book she loved when she was very little. I locked eyes with her, and she relaxed into the steadiness of our bond.

Gazing into her eyes, I felt a calm in the storm. It was like stepping into the exact eye of the hurricane.

It was one soul recognizing another, my soul shepherding hers through the inevitable pain of human experience. It was an ancient, sacred rite of passage.

I felt as though I was saying to her, in the language of spirit:

“Here I am, angel. Rest in my arms. There is pain in this life; it’s awful. And you can bear it. You are stronger than you know, and it’s okay to need help. We are held and tethered by love.”

I’d “said” that to our girl in the ER, and then Jonathan “said” it back to me on Saturday. And today, I’m saying it to you.

From shimmering soul to shimmering soul, with no barriers between us:

You are stronger than you know, and it’s okay to need help. We are held and tethered by love.

Ready to recover from perfectionism and reparent yourself on a whole new level? I’m here to help.

Click here to book a Clarity Call to see if coaching with me is right for you.